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Here's What My INNER CHILD wants...What does YOUR inner child want? Finding out will help you heal!

healing trauma inner child Mar 04, 2024

This is no longer a big wound for me, in fact it is proof that deep healing has happened to a point that I am capable of healing the lesser known, difficult to identify ‘smaller stuff’. 

[Disclaimer: I am sharing this information and background as an educational anecdote - not for sympathy. Also, there is mention of childhood abuse ahead, not specifics though a *trigger warning* is appropriate]

Be sure to read the whole thing to witness the healing and get clear about what I mean by inner child healing (aka inner child work).


Okay, Here’s my clarity:



Let me start by saying that my dad is a wonderful human being. I love him dearly. He wasn't perfect in my past and has taken full responsibility for his mistakes and even taken action in my adult years to repair those mistakes. I trust him more than I trust just about anyone...

And STILL my inner child wants him to step up and protect me, the follow through and not just the words "I'll keep you safe"...even though my adult self has everything I need from him and is content with our relationship and how we've worked out our shared traumatic experiences together.

The inner child speaks for the nervous system. This is why inner child work can create powerfully deep healing outcomes. 

This TRAUMA PATTERN I identified inside myself IS ROOTED IN WHAT DIDN'T HAPPEN, which is that my dad didn't remove me from an abusive environment.

That's what I meant above when I wrote 'proof' that deep healing has happened because I had to heal from overt BIG 'T' trauma (abuse) before I could get to this.

I was aware that this was a wound but not how deeply woven the harmful, limiting beliefs and stories were in the experiences of what "didn't happen". I've been playing out this wound more than I ever realized because the abuse wound was so big I couldn't see past it.

I understand that he, too, was abused and was doing the best he could to survive the storm we were both immersed in. And he said he was wrong and wishes he could have a do-over...but we can't go back and do it over, so how do we deal with these things when they come up? How do we heal?

This is what I do:


  • he made mistakes
  • those mistakes were harmful to me
  • my basic needs were unmet
  • i felt betrayed
  • he was hurt too
  • he has taken accountability to restore integrity with me
  • it doesn't make the abuse or his complacency in the past ok, i just accept that i couldn't and cannot change it


  • a voice to say it is not okay
  • safety and security in all the ways I can provide them (no screaming in anger in my home, everyone responsible for their own emotions, financial security, everyone can safely express their needs/feeling with acceptance, no walking on eggshells - if there's an elephant in the room we discuss it, etc)
  • I reassure my inner child that I am the adult in charge of me now and I provide the safety I am seeking
  • I breathe and move my body in ways that calm and soothe my nervous system
  • I observe my inner and external environment to bring my nervous system into the present since I was triggered into a past childhood memory/emotion
  • I give myself grace and permission to feel what I feel to the point of recovery - no shame, labels, judgment, or assigned meaning.

This is how we heal our trauma, survival stress, and chronic stress patterns: Notice and respond in new ways that meet the need

It sounds simple, and in some ways it is simple...but it works. It helps us unravel the past threats to our safety and needs going unmet and allows us to repattern our nervous system to the present.

That's all inner child healing really means: addressing unmet needs and trauma/survival stress patterns we experienced early on in life that are still driving our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and reactions, as well as dictacting our health and life experiences/outcomes.

Trauma isn't just what happened to you...that is easy to identify.

It is also what didn't happen, as well as how we perceive things, chronic stress, significant or repetitive seemingly benign experiences, modeled behavior, and attachment/development experiences.

It's the aftermath of our trauma, conditioning from repetitive experiences, survival stress, and old coping mechanisms.

I observed something new inside myself from sharing this...I also still hold a need to protect my dad from not being able to protect him when/because I was a child. It's an empowering observation that allows me to meet the needs of my inner child at a higher level for even more healing.

Take a Moment to Consider this:

What do you think YOUR inner child needs? This could make a difference in your healing progress and outcomes. 

If you can answer that question, Hit reply and share the answer with me for feedback, if you choose…or simply let your inner child know you are the adult in charge of meeting those needs, and you hear them! Follow that with some calming breathing or some form of self-soothing action until you feel relaxed and good. 

 You can also schedule a call/Zoom chat  with me to talk about your healing/growth needs and if we’re a good fit to work together.


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