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Trauma isn't just what happened to you, it is also what didn't happen

healing trauma trauma Feb 08, 2024

The Holistic Psychologist shared this image that states “Trauma isn’t just what happened to you. It’s what didn’t happen to you. It’s the care you never got. It’s the protection you weren’t given when you needed it most.”

I think this is an important conversation we all need to have...

Sometimes trauma caused by what didn’t happen is as bad or worse in terms of how it impacts your body, brain, behavior, relationships, and life. This is called covert trauma…it isn’t always obvious but it is just as invasive and harmful. 

The things that did happen can be overt OR covert trauma, depending on the event/s themselves and how they are perceived by the individual.

Either way, they add up and compound…which is where cPTSD comes from, a diagnosis of Compound traumatic stress disorder. 

I’m not here to diagnose you, I’m not a doctor or therapist...I'm here to inform you as an educator, coach, and holistic healer. I am a trauma-informed practitioner whose healing, coaching, and educating practices are focused on healing from trauma, survival stress, and conditioning that impacts how we feel, function, interact, behave, think, feel, react/respond, and live our lives.

I recently uncovered some covert 'what didn't happen' trauma of my own during my personal self-healing adventures.

I do have a diagnosis of cPTSD from a licensed therapist and I have an ACE Score of 9 (out of 10), which is really high if you aren't familiar with ACE. Having an ACE Score higher than 7 occurs in less than .5% of the ACE tested population but every ACE score matters because it is associated with the liklihood of chronic illness, symptoms, or disease. You can check your ACE Score HERE, if you haven't already, and stay tuned for a future email about what it means and to do about your ACE Score.

That being said, I've mostly been healing overt trauma related to abuse for that past two decades. It's overt because it is easily identified as a recurring traumatic event.

Recently I've become aware of a much less easily identifiable covert recurring traumatic non-event that I believe has had a significant impact on my physical, mental, emotional, behavioral, and relational health.

The non-event is that no adults in my childhood ever stepped in and said 'enough abuse'. They never took me out of my home because it wasn't safe there. No one ever stepped in and said or did anything except to ask me to 'buck up and deal with it"...which was akin to saying to a child "take the blame and endure abuse so we don't have to face it or deal with it"

This discovery is HUGE because it takes me so much deeper into healing than ever before. It is also something i can forgive, because every adult who did nothing to protect child-me was also abused by my abuser.

It doesn't excuse their actions. They were harmful. And I initially felt really angry about this even though several have been accountable and apologized to (adult) me but it was so much different to work through this covert betrayal trauma than it was to work through the overt abuse trauma...mostly because I couldn't wrap my mind around why my mother abused but I can wrap my mind around why abused people couldn't step in and stop abuse from a trauma-informed perspective.

Not that the forgiveness is required in order to heal, because FORGIVENESS IS NOT REQUIRED TO HEAL. It is a personal choice, one that is quite subjective. I will never forgive because it will never be okay...AND I AM OKAY.

I not only survived it, I BROKE THE CYCLE OF ABUSE and it will never happen again on my watch.

The trauma did NOT make me strong/stronger...I DID. I made me strong by healing and breaking the cycle of abuse. ME. I DID THAT. I TAKE CREDIT. I AM A SURVIVOR...

Never buy into that crap about what doesn't kill us makes us stronger...It's BS. WE MAKE OURSELVES STRONGER and RESILIENT THROUGH OUR OWN ACTIONS TO SURVIVE...but we sure as hell don't deserve or *have to* experience horrible things in order to learn lessons. It's crap! Our innate survival systems know how to survive WITHOUT being tested.

I provide services and offerings to heal trauma held in the body from what did and didn’t happen to you

There are also other therapies and modalities you can try to see what’s a good fit for you.

No matter what type of trauma healing practices you engage in, make sure it is with a trauma-informed practitioner and if you don’t notice progress in 5-6 sessions, bring it up with your practitioner. They need and want to know if you aren’t able to see progress so they can help realign you with your needs and goals. 

If you want to see if we're a good fit to heal together, we can always have a coffee chat (coffee not required), it’s just a free call to talk about what you need and if we’re a good fit. I’ll always steer you in the right direction, even if that isn’t me.

This  is the kind of thing we work on in the inner child healing sessions offered within my Self-Healing Support Membership...What happened and what DIDN'T happen...both impacted your body and mind which dictates how you feel, and function in your body, mind, relationships, and life. So, that's another healing resource available to you if you want to check it out.

The membership an affordable, accessible way to receive ongoing healing and coaching in a group setting with at least two monthly live sessions plus additional self-care and self-healing activities, inspiration, and information. 

I’m here to support you, not hard sell you... so feel free to hit reply if you are seeking resources or direction on what you need.

Seriously, ASK ME...that's why I'm here. And, in case you haven't noticed, I offer a straight-forward, practical approach to healing...and pretty much everthing, lol. Oh, and remember that we heal in community more than we do in isolation, so reach out if you need support. 

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